Rah Times

With the warmth that flows from love. I would have smiled and faced each day. From indifference, I was crushed, convinced my time, My years were not effectively spent. What ashame! Disappointment made it impossible to handle my days. Yet as I struggled, my own passion renewed life for me. Gave me hope, led me, reinventing my determination. Wish it was your affection, more so than my will. That you held, encouraged and assisted me. My guarded heart and self preservation is doing so. Not one understood, knew, cared, all forsook me. It certainly was not right. What good did they do? Why should I exhaust myself, produce for their benefit? I certainly have every cause to want contentment. Simply walk and hide away, if only within myself. I am so convinced, so why repeat it, to be justified.

I spent the last few days travelling from one City to another. That has left me a little exhausted. I, however, had the best last couple of days, I have had in a long time. Being a lover of the outdoors, I marvelled at the handiwork of the creator. The sites were absoletely breath taking. I did not get to see as much as I wanted to because of rain, but I was happy with the little I did see. I was desperately in need of a little time away to unwind. I am greatful that I was finally able to do that.  In addition, I met with my sister in the State where she lived. It has been five years since I last saw her. I cannot express how happy I was about that. I certainly hope that the time of our visiting with each other would never be that long ever again.

The last two days have been a bit of a struggle for me, but I was anticipating this day. When I am away from my home, it feels as though, I am away from all the things that haunted me for the last year and a half. It was so difficult to deal with; I could hardly handle my emotions. The best I could do was lose myself in my past and my hope of a better future. Many times it just was not working. Today, I will get to escape my environment for a few days and that will be a break for me. I know, however, that until the things that I find unsettling are handled, my spirit will not rest. I have also grown weary of reaching out to others; for assistance. With that, the best I could do in that regard is move on without them. I know that I will eventually get to where I want to be and that sometimes that takes time. At this present monent, I am putting all that aside, because I am getting a break from all the bombarbment. The sun is shining with that I know it will be a lovely day.

All I can do is stop And think, think About others for a change. For if I could change anything, It would be the position, I placed you in. All I wanted was to be with you. All I needed was to sit and listen. But I did not have a clue, didn't know what you been through. neither did I know then, I loved and needed you. Wish I knew myself, Or that I could be myself, I'd show you that I truly loved you. Instead, I allowed you to fade. Disappear from within my view. You walked away, found another person. And here I am consumed with thoughts not of myself this time, I'm thinking of you.

I long to talk to you. Even though, I am far removed from you. And you may not necessarily have the same desire. Oddly enough, this longing was only awakened After all the difficulty and trials that I experienced. My soul now longs after you, it was not so initially. But as I recall your youthful interest and his desertion. Led to my loving, pondering about you, more than he. I watched myself as I traveled along in life. As one day, I stood my long awaited anticipation. For none other than you, I hope all memories Of my desertion fades and that all that matters Will be that I am finally in a pleasant place with The best person ever not necessarily a perfect one.

If you loved and respected me; I would have moved mountains. Stand before the fiercest storms. Exalted and adored you in a way men Could never do, and carried you, To where ever you would have wanted. Instead, you rejected me as your God, Your mother, elder, family and friend. Though your choices caused you trouble. You held unto them as though, they were What matter most to you, and I was the least. Your error, you are more committed to. And I was the least of what you ever wanted. I see it displayed in your responses. In those you chose, your talk, what you said. Your body language and attitude. None of it displayed love, but that you did not ask To belong or be given to me, wanted nothing from me. But to display the disdain that you clearly chose to do.

The sun sets only to rise again. In a highly persistent manner. Determined to shine each day. Similarly to a flower that blooms And springs up after every fall As if unaffected by the winter’s storms. So should all of us be, as resolute In achieving our objective while being Mindful that our actions might have lasting effects. Even, if, we are no longer around, our choices, The things we select to do may follow us. With that, each and every day, our actions should be, Of that, for which we would like to be remembered.

I stop to rest. I long to lie in the arms Of him who sent me. The one who I sincerely Thought loved me. Yet, my heart wants animosity. For he no longer acknowledges me. Oh love, my lost love! Why did you not sprinkle me? Surround me so I could not miss it. Cradle me so that I could have felt it. Carried me so that I could have been aware of it. Alas, the haven that I once knew is no longer my place of refuge. Has disregarded me, no longer knows me, or is mine. Is indifferent to my needs and to my sufferings. Has been dissected from my heart. Lived a life without me. Where will my future place be, my place of tranquility? My home, the place where I would not have to ever wonder again. Would be free of you and the shame you brought upon me.

It has all been written. It has all been said. Why write or say it? Again and again. The words that created a storm Keeps playing, for I can hear it. As if, it is being said again and again. Why fight? Our relationship has to end? Why go through it all over again? Yet, I keep hearing it, again and again. Do not call me, not ever again. Do not write me, this has to end. I am not your lover, but I was a friend? Why push me away, say it again and again? Rejection is not easy to deal with. A painful way for a relationship to end. Do not call or ever write me again. Are not words that should be said By any one that was ever a friend. Another work of art.

My spirit is subdued. I hardly know what to do. My flowing thoughts has ceased. Causing my mind to be at ease. Although with my current state. I can now paint. My lack of imagination Has robbed me of my creative writing ability. Now all I am doing is painting the sea. That which used to calm me in the past, Has now become the object of my self expression. Worked on this wave yesterday along with some other pieces.

The spark in your eyes. The twinkle made me smile. Would walk all the time, Just to gaze in your eyes. With you, I could talk day and night. Only to anticipate the following day And could not wait to walk and converse. For it was a great pleasure Simply a delight to see your smiling face. Radiantly shining so bright. You skin reflected the sun light. At first, I thought it a fright, But now I can see all that You were sent here to be. Do not ever be afraid, but always, Reach out and touch me. Place your arms around me. For the light of an angel Could never have any effect on me. For your warmth, your love I wanted to keep close to me.

My actions were not intentional. I did not mean to confuse you. Although I did the opposite Of what my heart wanted to. I meant to love and pursue you. Tell you how I felt about you. For I a-d-o-r-e-d you. I wanted them all to get to know you. Not ignored you, when I knew. There was not anyone, I loved. None I wanted more than you. My heart always knew and wanted To be true, I was no fool, for I knew That it was you I a-d-o-r-e-d Wanted no one more than you. Now I can't wait to show you. I will do what you want me to. I'll ride the stars or join the zoo. But I'd prefer to spend my time with you. Waiting, listening, dreaming of you. My heart skipped a beat Every time I saw you, believe me, I will do for you, for I am so in love with you.

I saw a beautiful rose. I was consumed with thoughts Of you, your life, what it must have been like. I did not know, but I wanted to know you. I reached out to retrieve the rose. In that moment, in agony, I withdrew my hands. I did not foresee the large thorns that surrounded it. I placed my fingers in my mouth to soothe it. Still the rose appeared so lovely, I wanted it. Instead, I turned away and continued on my way. My thoughts remained unchanged but the incident Brought an awareness to me that I was oblivious of. You were identical to that rose and I remain guarded

I heard a voice say, forgive. My heart replied, you trampled on me. Wish I had someone to support me, But I did not have anyone to turn to. Those that I was given to, did not know me, Or wanted to, not that I did not make an effort. With that I made poor choices, even I chose Others that did not truly care for me. That resulted in a less than satisfying existence. Yet, I had to keep living. But the quality of life Needs to get better. I certainly do not want any reminders Of my regrets, your choices or actions. With that I agree that it would be better if I were removed. With time I may forget, the new has already been instated. I long to do nothing more than move on and leave all behind.

Why would I want to repeat My mother's mistakes, my Father's errors? Why would it be difficult to admit, That they as well as I were not perfect beings? Why would I not want or attempt to make an effort To impove on my responses, the way I make choices? Yet, if truths, my reality as well as who they were, I am Is difficult for me to accept, I would not be able to move forward. Improve the quality of life for my sons, my daughters as well as myself. If I convinced myself that life was perfect, That there are no room, or need for advancement; There would be no progress. I would have no desire to be, Become or attain anything more than they. For myself, my offspring, I improve.

I came to serve. To find contentment Happiness in your joy. My goals, my aim Was not to please myself. I wanted you to be happy. For I became as one with you. I felt what you felt. My heart melted with your discontentment. And was shattered when you rejected me. I found joy in doing for you. Spent my life trying to brighten Improving the life of others. Never thought I would become The poster child for desertion and dissatisfaction. I wanted to be the one for love and contentment. Presently I long to be saturated Free from all those who turned away. To be clothed with satisfaction and truly Be free and at peace through my Accomplishments and nothing else.

The instant our eyes met I knew it was you. Right then we connected. For I was there to meet you. I like everything about you, Your walk, the way you playfully Teased, laughed and talked. I knew it was you. For instantly I liked you. Just did not know what to do. How to express myself. So much I needed to and wanted to say. But never wanted to turn and walk away. Now as I was reminiscing, wondering How I could have lost you. I ponder what I should have said. I did not know what I wanted or needed. Just that I felt insecure and unprotected. So, I walked, walked, walked away. Goodbye was all I had to say. Not even then did you have a clue As I walked, walked, walked away from you. Not because there was one I knew I could walk to. But because I needed the love and comfort I was not getting from anyone not even you.

What is it about you, That causes me to stop Momentarily to ponder, Reflect on the memories Of your smile, playfulness, Your seriousness, dedication Insecurity and lastly disappointments? Those are all the memories I have of you! A quick hug that only I can remember. Know for you, it did not register. Yet it was what I needed that day. Your boyishness cradled with your insecurity. Wish, I had then shared my apprehensions with you. Just did not know quite what to say. Young women aren’t supposed to be easy. But I am yet to find a man that follows The Cinderella story line, seem foreign to me. Although, I considered you my Prince Not even in my imagination are you the same. And I have true pleasant images of the way you were.

There are some things that I have repeated more than I needed to and other things that I feel because of its relevance, I could not express enough times. When I am keen on getting my point across, I hardly consider how annoying I may be from saying the same thing over and over. I have done this to my spouse, children, and to others that I hold dear. Not intentionally to intimidate them, but because in my opinion it is imperative for them to understand what it is that I am trying to convey. When the other party does not make any effort to act on what I am trying to communicate, I get one message only. That message is that, whatever I was trying to say was irrelevant to them. That frustrates me immensely, and at that point, the best course of action would be to refrain, but it is not like me to turn away until, I have given my all. If anyone cared about a person, and knew that if they continued down a certain path it would end in certain death, would they not warn them a million times?