Rah Times

I do not care what he said, Or what he is now saying. I am now focusing on Tomorrow, yesterday’s gone You are now creating, so sing! For, I am now listening. I’m singing and dancing To our new tunes, so forget All that he said, just sing and Focus on our music, your heart. Our melody belongs to you and me. The memory of him will fade. Our music, our moves will remain. And no one will care about All that he did but instead They will be singing to our tunes. All that I want to hear repeated. Are the songs that we created. Not the echo of his words playing But the beat of our songs playing. The words that echo our hearts Not what tore us apart, so sing!.

I fell asleep, to be awakened. By the sound, of his voice. It is time beloved. I have a surprise for you. Music to my ear, the sweet melody Of the one, I loved most of all. I was revived by the energy The vibrant stir of his music. Come my love, listen. A familiar tune, I knew so well. It had risen from within my chest. The emotions of my love, my regrets Had brought us back together. I could hardly wait! The butterflies were fluttering once again. The anticipation of hearing our song. Alas, I will dance for a second time with him. Embrace the happiness that new love brings.

You can never be duplicated I give you my word. Although, things are complicated. And many have not heard You cannot be duplicated. The unchanging blueprint A one of a kind you. Cannot be duplicated Stays the same as do you. The ones you chose The things you do. May not top the charts But cannot be duplicated Same as the beauty inside you. Though you Battle Your share of Demons. It will only help to define Show that you cannot be Duplicated neither can the things You chose to do, can be duplicated Nor completed without you. Duplicated, Duplicated That will never be, any how. Because duplicated You can never be, my sweet. For a duplicated life would not Be the same as if it were you.

Feel like I walked a million miles in someone else’s shoe. Feel like after all we've been through, I was the one Clinging, pining away after what you chose to do. Feel like after all we shared, you did not care for me. And I was the one you did not want to keep. Cho. Sunny days and teary nights was all the same without you. Some days felt like lonely nights, when I was thinking of you. That was my struggle since I had to walk without you. Sunny days and moonlit night was meaningless with no you. From now on my heart’s melody will not be because of you. For my brighter days and starry night will be with someone new. Not even my love, wish, or my reaching out to you Changed your choices and the things you chose to do. How could a lost deserted love be revived again? As if you did not truly hurt me or caused me pain. My heart was broken because I chose to love you. It was as if I was not advancing, thinking about you. But I am still alive and willing to move on wi

We all come away with some lesson from living this life about our creator. I believe that to be true of even men that do not believe in him. They learned to ignore the mystery that is his. Most importantly they like me through life has learned to rely on themselves. I, on the other hand, know he exists because I have walked with him. I know about his sacrificial love for men and his desertion of me. I know that he has placed all above and before me. I certainly do not understand how people can be so convinced or even deny the truth of him. Yet, I too was once intensely convinced that he loved and cared about me. Not until, I was willing to accept the truth, was I actually able to see it for what it honestly is. I wailed and mourned within myself and cried out loud. “You do not love me!” I held unto that lie for too long. No one throws away or walks away from his beloved. No one watches while his beloved suffers if they can change things. Perhaps for a moment, the way the Father did

I peered into the shadow of a man I thought did not understood me. His frail frame sunken cheeks, elevated bones Was an injustice, did not tell the true story. His was once the face of elegance and grace. I held tightly to his now thin body. Still not wanting to let go of him, although, He appeared not to be the man I fell in love with. I could hardly carry twenty five pounds, but now As my every step pounded the pavement, I carried him. We were there because he also wanted to see his dream. Not sure when the idea of developing that land was conceived. If it were before or after he partnered with me, but I was with him. Still I wondered if it were the same with him, had I missed anything. I knew jolly well that things were not always as they appeared. I just did not quite understand his actions, or sincerely know, If his desires were always for me, at times, he seemed quite uncertain. We were almost at the end of our journey, but I do not want it to end. Yet, in ou

Alone stood a beautiful frail young girl. The crowd that encircled her was gone. Her love had gotten up and vanished. Her future uncertain without his support. All that remained unyielding was the structure Under which she stood alone in the blazing sunlight. The artistic beauty was unchanged, hers would fade. Her, tomorrow disappeared without saying a word. As quickly as she was, her yesterdays were forgotten. She had her story, though different from what was told by many. Neither did any know it was of her they narrated. They attributed their tale to whoever they wanted. How disheartening, none knew of whom they spoke. She cannot complete her journey without assistance. But after the disregard, she prefers to walk by her self. Her own had left her, she knows no other than the child She carried, but does not know his name or why he appeared. All she knew was she did not want to leave him as she was left. She closes her eyes to all, for no one sees her, her origin,

My beloved left alone in a city Filled with lights, but no love. Yet her beauty and smile. Brought warmth and brighten the sky. To all those who knew her as a delight. One day your beloved will embrace you. Your children will praise you, And love you for all time. So my beloved, dry your eyes. Lie peacefully and do not cry. I will come to you and stay for a while. My beloved beautiful wife, my joy. Once a fascination of mine. Even as I watched you, your smile. I closed my mind and never knew. Although, your glow was translucent. You became a secret pleasure of mine.

Yesterday, I was the guest speaker at Spaulding for Children, Aces for adoption tennis tournament Reception. The video below is of that presentation. It summarizes a lot of what I have been blogging about. It is also an acknowledgment of the help that was given to me during the time, I was faced with challenges. The Reception was held on a Ranch in Cypress Texas.

Wish you could see What I am feeling. Want you next to me. To know how much. Your love meant to me. Wish for you to know Where this is leading. Only if in my love You do believe in. Although it had been A rocky, rocky road. Rocky, rocky road Never a dull moment. Rocky, rocky road. Cherish every moment. Rocky, rocky road. Scattered with feelings. Rocky, rocky road Never wanted my love To be defeated. Wanted you to know, I was crushed. Could never tell you how much. I cared. Thought it better to express it. So that the world would know it. Sing about my less than perfect love.

I know I took this photo and I remember taking it, just not the precise moment. I was going through a back up CD of my old files, and I found several of the most stunning photos that I had ever taken. These I thought I had lost, from my computer crashing. I was searching for ones of a truly dear friend of mine that had passed. I was hoping that I might have found those. I did not, but I am grateful for what I did find. This photo was taken on one of my many trips to New York City. The view is of Harlem. I do not know if I could ever find this precise spot again, but I am certainly happy that I preserved the view. That idiom is parallel to my writings. I record my feelings at the precise times of my struggle. I know my views of my situation may change, in the future. Yet, at the time of my writings my pain and hurt was intensely real. I may never recall these things in the future. Nonetheless, these were my true feelings at the moment they were recorded.

I am back where I started from. Still waving and smiling at him. As if this is a new beginning. But it does not mean a thing to him. My wave was saying, hi My smile inviting, not goodbye. As strange as it may now seem. It meant I did not intend to leave! His response offended me. With that, I ran out on him. Now I’m doing all the pleading. Wishing he’d never hurt my feelings. Cho. Now all I can say is Please come back to me. Do what is right by me. I’ve waited all my life for this. For my devotion you to not dismiss. You knew what I was saying. Saw that my heart was breaking. But instead of comforting me. You hurt me, so I left you for him.

Things are beginning to change. I supposed things takes time, but I was not willing to wait. I wanted instant results and freedom from being so overwhelmed from the unfair way I was treated. I did not appreciate being the poster child for being dumped on either. It was difficult, but someone had to be. Yet, the creativity and beautiful poems and songs came out of all this. That would not have happened if all involved had followed procedure and did the right things. The grief that came about from my daughter’s struggled taught me about myself. It unveiled a new family for me and accomplishments that I would not have other wise had. I projected my disappointment of all those who had disappointed me in the past unto those that are now helping me. Finally, I can now see the result of the work of the man I hired as it is now starting to take shape. It was much easier for me to express what I was agonizing about, but I lot harder for me now to give details as to why I am now pleased.

What if I tell you, I am no fool? Even though it may seem As if I allowed myself to be used. I am no fool; I’m in survivor’s mode. People do not know what they are Talking about and they can’t figure it out. I am no fool, although it may seem as if I have given up, I am not, they will see. Cho. I am on top, and you can come with me. I am on top, I got here eventually. I’ve lived through a few unpleasant things But I am on top, right where I wanted to be. I could not explain and that made me seem insane. I was not passing up anything or playing a game. I was in it to win, so then I had to work like a slave. In order to have all that I do today, for I am no fool. Bridge: I was in survivor’s mode, I am no fool Because I allowed myself to be used. I am no fool, I was in it to win. I am no fool, but I would not do it again.

I want to write like Sinatra, sings. I hear the rhythm, but my voice It is not sultry, lacking in melody I fall flat then go off key. Would you please rescue me? Write what I can hear but Unable to sing, so my words Can be the best music I project. Sung by others but not by me. The music, the words. The rhythm heard. By lovers here and All around the world. Like a singer with a gold record. They dance, they sing, for us, To each other as song birds, Lover, looking for each other Through the tunes of our songs. Like a painting that inspires Brings calm to those within Its view that is what I want My words, your music to do.

All your love letters I keep re-reading. For in our love I do believe in. Keep on writing for I can't stop reading. Dear lover, Meet me! Not in secret. But as your significant other. Dear lover, Love me. Be with me unlike any other. Dear lover, Meet with me. As though it is your desire, For us to meet. Because you want to see And simply love me. Dear lover, Keep my secret. Share yours with me. For we belong together. Dear lover, Do not discard my letter. Just cherish it as maybe It was written by the one You long to keep. For more of Ruth's poetry purchase, Fantasy/Controversy or My Reality.

Lady, I was wondering. Didn’t understand, What you were saying. It seems so complicated. But now that I know I am considering. For I’m touched! Touched by all your efforts. For I just never knew. How much I meant to you. Never again will I turn away. This is the start of a new day. I am struck, touched by you. All you say and everything you do. As I face each and every day. I know I am here to stay. For I see you in a whole new way. And I am touched! Touched by all your efforts. Lady if I only knew. I would have been there for you. I would have given you all my time. But, I never knew, understood How much I needed or wanted you. But Lady, I am touched. Touched by all your efforts. For now I have no doubts That it has been you all along.

I met that man before, now all I have of him Is an image embedded deep within me. Seemed like only yesterday, yet his face indicated A lot more, time had passed, more than even I was aware of. All the signs that it had been a lot longer than I remembered. I pushed aside today’s images, the person now within my view, All his beauty and grace was still there. I lost out on his growth. His accomplishments, I peered out from behind the bars that imprisoned me, my spirit was thrashed, my body consumed with grief and motionless. As I reached out for him to take my hand, he held unto another. My aim remained steadfast; my effect, dry and parched as the desert. I was transformed, no longer the vivacious young woman I used to be. Life choices had affected me. He came, but he was not truly there for me. I was free to choose to live, but without him, everything I had hoped for, wanted, gone! Certainly not the kind of freedom I aspired for, for while I was imprisoned I had a mate.

I wish for the quiet, to be unencumbered. Have security in the here and now. My breath quickens my heart is overwhelmed. Craving nothing other than to say, I have arrived but not at my destination. There is still a lot that I need to accomplish. My fretfulness and the unusualness of me, Of my approach, my yearning, my wants Far surpasses what I have done so far. As I toiled alone, I appreciated the solitude. Yet, I wish for another to share my dreams. To have the awareness of whom I am, my goals. As I imparted my desire, I felt the silence as it hit me. Unlike my dreams, the seclusion still existed. The atypical is strange makes my objective more challenging. Even worse is being alone in a world filled with strangers, Yet, I remain unrecognized, the extraordinary is undetectable.

The face of all faces. The eyes of all people. Why can’t you see, That I loved the man? The race of all races. To win the hearts Of all nations. Over time, I.. Ran just to be with them. The fool of all fools. Did not live as others do. Could not tell you. I was caught up doing All I came here to do. Not that I never knew How to explain it. It was best to show it. The face of all faces. The eyes of all people. Why can’t they see, That I loved the man? Wasted life for a reason. Only for a short season. To change minds, open eyes. For I want them all to know See what I came here to show. The face of all faces. The eyes of all people Why can’t you see. That I loved that man? For more of Ruth's poetry purchase, Fantasy/Controversy or My Reality.

This has been such an excruciatingly painful process for me. I struggle with accepting that God has chosen to desert me, yet will change my current situation into something for the greater good. I know that I am searching for real altruism. It has become abundantly evident that chivalry is dead. In past writings, I have expressed my feelings in regard to being ignored by those that I sought to assist me. Even the one I paid to negotiate my standing in a dignified manner appears to have been more interested in getting the money he was paid. I am yet to see any true indicator that he did any work. Again this gave me caused to reflect back on my father and what he hopes to accomplish through me. I was so burdened and overly troubled by being treated unjustly; all I wanted was one person to believe in me. That came at an extremely high cost. To date I have not seen any evidence that any steps were made to reach a resolution that would appease me. I have a minute amount of confidence in m

I vaguely remembered the night. As much as I searched my mind. It was consumed by a fog of my own Unclear thoughts of the future. Unsure of the events that lead to my departure. Had my God released me or did I escape, Managed to acquire the strength to leave? Yet it was not for me, the reason I stayed. Certainly baffling as to why my friend Hid his face from me, I needed his support. Now I am wondering if it were purely his disbelief, Culture or the toxicity of this place that lead to this? Why would anybody leave his beloved one here? So much I have learned, so little I know of them. Just that the longer, I stayed the more uncertain I became about everything even what we turned into. For more of Ruth's poetry purchase, Fantasy/Controversy or My Reality.

I sat next to him But my mind, All my thoughts Were straying. Could hardly keep up With our conversation, Except it was of situations I was familiar with. I reflected on future conversations. I needed to be certain. That my situation was temporary. That one day my seating would be  Next to one who will have more Than my physical presence. But my undivided commitment. For more of Ruth's poetry purchase, Fantasy/Controversy or My Reality.

My lover, my darling, Where did you go? I was the one lost Hidden in the shadow. This you needed to know. My love, my darling, was real! It was certainly not you. But my love that was concealed. Yet, my passion I can still feel. I do not expect you be a fool for love. For I neglected to show you my love. Yet my darling, I did love. I simply buried it some how. But I know it exists. Because I can still feel it. Every time I see your face. I know it is a disgrace For not even you can see, Or feel the passion within me. But it exists because I can feel it. I had to admit, I could no longer deny it. My love, my darling Is still a blazing. For like a fire it's consuming. Know this, that it is you. That my heart belongs to. My love, I love you. For more of Ruth's poetry purchase, Fantasy/Controversy or My Reality.

Is there anything so profoundly bothersome that I cannot write about it? The answer is yes! We all have our passion and frustrations, and there is quite a bit wrong with this world we can never fix it in a life time. The main focus of this world; however seem to be that of things that manufacture wealth. Those who do not produce or have any riches are of lesser concern to those who handle the affairs of this world. On a smaller scale, things that are of importance in regard to children are not a top priority and is under funded. As if it will not affect the future of society and the quality of everyone's life. As much as I adopted children that the state of Texas were fully aware would struggle at some point in life without adequate intervention, they made no effort to provide those services. As a matter of fact, they with held and or denied, what they originally agreed to provide. As a direct result of this, today, my life is plagued by a teenager that is determined to destr

I told you so if I do forget. You already know I have no desire to do What I already regretted. You were my choice So how could I remain quiet? Although you walked away, I did not regret loving you. The reason I confronted you. Round and round I go again. With all these ideas running Around circulating causing Confusion, mostly in my head. Baby, I do not want to be. The one you call after she is gone. As though, you have ever loved And cared for me, a call back girl I would never choose to be. One you placed secondary. Please don’t promise me. For a call back girl, I do not want to be. For that's not love to me, a call back girl I could never be. I'll call you back, I promise! For more of Ruth's poetry purchase, Fantasy/Controversy or My Reality.